Best Actuarial Jokes

Actuarial Jokes about Actuarial Science

What do actuaries do in their free time? It’s all about making actuarial jokes!. If you know any actuary jokes, please let us know in the comments below! Thanks!

Actuarial Terms

Definition of IBNR: In there, But Not Really.

Actuarial Pickup Lines

  • Of course I won’t tell anyone. I’m like the exponential distribution, I have the memoryless property.
  • Is that an official SOA calculator in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? Please note that only an official calculator, bearing the seal of the Society of Actuaries, will be accepted as an answer.
  • So, what exam are you sitting for? Hey, what a coincidence, I’m on that exam committee. I’ve seen the questions they’re gonna ask this time. You should see them, it’s gonna be a real killer …
  • My love for you is endless, like a perpetuity.
  • Since the first time I saw you, my interest in you has compounded continuously.
  • I love the way your hairline emulates the p.d.f. of the Gamma distribution.
  • If you put 5 red, 4 yellow, and 3 green balls in an urn, what’s the probability of you coming home with me tonight?

Actuarial Jokes

1) An actuary, an underwriter, and an insurance salesperson are riding in a car. The salesperson has his foot on the gas, the underwriter has his foot on the brake, and the actuary is looking out the back window telling them where to go (more true than a joke, haha)
2) Why do male actuaries like to use the end urinal? Because it reduces the probability by 50% of being pissed upon by someone else.
3) Two actuaries are duck hunting. They see a duck in the air and they both shoot. The first actuary’s shot is 20 feet wide to the left. The second actuary’s shot is 20 feet wide to the right. The actuaries give each other high fives, because on average they shot it.

Jokes only actuaries understand


1) Old actuaries never die; they just get broken down by age and sex.
2) Old actuaries never die; they just lose their Faculties, get Institutionalised, or drop out of their Society

Profession Jokes

Lawyers vs Actuaries
A group of lawyers and a group of actuaries are travelling by train to conferences in the same city. The lawyers were surprised to see that the actuaries had only bought one train ticket for the entire group. When the conductor entered the front of the car, all of the actuaries got up and went into the same bathroom. As the conductor went down the aisle, the lawyers dutifully handed him their tickets. When he came to the bathroom he said, “Ticket, please.” One ticket slid out, he punched it, and went on his way.
On the return trip home, the lawyers thought they’d try the same trick, but this time they noticed the actuaries had not bought any train tickets. As the conductor entered the front of the car, all of the lawyers got up and went into the same bathroom. One of the actuaries walked over to the bathroom, knocked on the door, and said, “Ticket, please.”

Actuarial 2+2
How much is two plus two?
A marketing VP will say “22”
An accountant will say “4.00”
A mathematician will say “I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following proof … ”
An actuary will ask “What do you want it to equal?”

Actuarial Marriage
A lawyer, an accountant, and an actuary are arguing over whether it is better to have a married spouse or an unmarried lover. The lawyer says a lover because it’s legally easier to disentangle yourself from a lover. The accountant says a spouse because you can get a tax deduction with a spouse. The actuary says it’s better to have both because you can lie to each of them, telling each of them that you’re with the other, and then go to the office to do some work.

Actuarial Forecasting
An accountant, a lawyer, and an actuary are walking down the street when they come upon a man who has just accidently dropped a number of coins out of his pocket onto the sidewalk. The accountant glances around at the coins, totals their value, and advises the man on how much he lost. The lawyer ignores the coins and starts searching the sidewalk for dollar bills. And the actuary uses the total value of the lost coins to project what’s left in the guy’s pocket.

Actuaries make accountants look exciting
1) Actuaries are accountants who couldn’t stand the excitement.
2) The difference between actuaries and accountants is actuaries already know they are dull and boring!
3) Question: How many accountants does it take to find the present value of an annuity? Answer: Three. One to determine the amount of each payment, one to figure out which account to put the answer in, and one to go ask an actuary how to calculate it.

Actuarial Exams
Definition of CPA: Can’t Pass Actuarial exams.
Definition of CFA: Can’t Face Actuarial.

Source of actuarial jokes

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